In April. This will be long. I'm sorry for that. I just needed to type it out, I think, in a place that doesn't sugarcoat, for myself.. 

I am not sure why I'm here. Or why I'm posting this. I have read through many threads here, many opinions, and many responses. Some I have cried over, some my heart has broken over, and some I relate to. I am a very spiritual person. I try to look on both sides of the fence, I try not to judge. I understand a lot of peoples views and opinions. But what I've noticed, is the lack of compassion here. For women who are pro-choice, and for women who have had an abortion before. They are called murders, terrible people.. It's very heartbreaking, and it seems as if many are here up on their pedestals looking down on so many people.. But then again, I do understand that as well..

I have a few honest questions. Has anyone been faced with an unwanted pregnancy? Has anyone known anyone who has had an abortion or looked for your support during an unwanted pregnancy? Are you the type to force your beliefs on others, or just quietly state how you feel and respect the beliefs of those around you if they respect yours?

April was the most horrifying, traumatic time I have ever experienced. I feel as if I've been drifting away from reality since then, in denial, completely numb - like I've lost my true sense of self. Perhaps, regret is the word. Everything is a bitter aftertaste in my life. It seems so many people think anyone who has an abortion is awful, terrible - heartless. I don't understand how I can be heartless, when so much of my heart cries and begs for April to have never happened, and cries and begs for another chance for the life that could have been.

I am pro-choice, but I feel like there are so many emotions built up inside of me, that I can't feel yet.. that I'm subconsciously pushing away for my own sanity. I feel like if I come to terms with what has happened - truly accept it, I will collapse. I can't comprehend what happened. And I have no idea how someone can walk out of a clinic without even the sadness of that having to happen in the first place. Denial, is all I can think of.

I will share a bit of my story. I am 21 years old, 20 when I got pregnant by my boyfriend of almost 5 years. I am a very weak, and pathetic person - this is because my boyfriend (now ex) was an incredibly abusive person, both physically and mentally and I stayed. Examples of things I have experienced, or examples of his anger..He would often manipulated me and threatened me.. many times he dragged me around by my hair.. threw chairs at me.. or pushed me into a corner, the most comment was yanking me out of cars and dragging me around by my leg on the cement.. pulling me back when I was desperately trying to crawl away.. And the more extreme things - such as run over me with his car and left me in the road..burn me, beat me..broke my tail bone at one point..

I stayed. And I forgave him, every time. He was Korean - very traditionally Korean (As am I, and I apologize if my English is bad..), so his friends didn't think much of it when they found out how he had been treating me, which probably gave him the "ok". He was very Christian as well.. (but not Christan at all, obviously).. he'd do these things for seemingly no reason.. He ran over me because we couldn't have sex (I was on my period), for instance.. Would scream if I got upset at him lying to me or breaking promises of going to therapy..

But I stayed. And it was my fault. And then I broke up with him, finally.

And shortly after I found out I was pregnant..

I was terrified. I was scared to death. I told him and instantly, he wanted me to get rid of "it." Everyone did, they said I was better off. I didn't want to. I wanted to keep the baby so badly. He pretty much abandoned me, and I knew I wanted to do it on my own. I had plans to. I was going to.

Then he started to creep back into my life, wanting to be a part of me and the baby's life. And I became terrified..

I was scared.. I was scared that he would come after me.. hurt me or the baby.. I was scared that he would hurt the baby in the future.. or that he would come find me.. and take him away.. Horrible scenarios were pictured in my head, him throwing me out of a car and driving away with him or her.. I cried and cried..

I was scared of being alone.. and I was scared of him.. and for some reason, I don't even know, but for some reason I thought maybe it would be best to have an abortion, so that a child wouldn't be born into this world with those risks..So I went to the clinic.. and I sat there for 6 hours.. and it was the most horrific hours of my life.. and I kept saying sorry, I'm so, so sorry, to that life inside of me.. I didn't know what I was doing.. I was just so scared. I thought of all the horrible things he did to me, and that I was finally free of him.. and that he would use this child as a way to keep me in his life forever.. he might get custody.. my parents said there would be a nasty custody battle.. He's insane.. crazy.. Threatened to kill me before.. I was so scared.

So I went through with it.. I remember being on the table and right when they gave me the drugs, I lifted up my hands and wanted everything to stop.. but then it all went black. I had a nervous breakdown after everything.. crying and sobbing in the clinic, saying it was all a mistake, asking nurses and doctors if the baby could feel pain, if it was in heaven, if I would ever see him or her before I went to hell.. I was still very drugged up.. they were very kind to me, and carried me out to the car.. and I sobbed and cried for 3 hours straight..

Since then I've had nervous breakdowns multiple times.. My ex has come after me a few times.. The police have been called..

So reading these responses, I don't know.. I just can't imagine myself as heartless.. And I can't imagine someone comparing a life to a fly, or grass.. It's just horrible.. But I do know that so many people out there are in different circumstances.. and judging someone, and hammering them, and calling them names, might and can possibly break them to the point of no return.. I don't think all of us are evil.. I don't think we go in there proud of this, or happy about this.. It's such a tragic and complicated situation, that no one, no one will ever know how it feels unless you're there..

I didn't come on here.. to post my beliefs in your face.. or say that you're all wrong or horrible.. I guess I just came in here to.. I don't even know.. Maybe confess.. maybe talk about it.. because I can't talk about it with anyone else.. I know I am going to hell.. I only hope that one day God will let me meet him or her, to tell them I'm so sorry.. and that I love them.. and that I wish they could have had a chance to live.. But I don't even think I deserve that..

I don't want pity.. Perhaps that's why I posted it in here, I know I won't get any pity.. But not all women who choose to go through this are monsters.. please remember that.. I know I did something horrible, and something wrong, but I'm not a heartless, soulless person..



Edited: 07/31/2010 at 12:15 PM by Cmeadows

Abortion is murder. Those who do the deed are murderers. There is no way to sugar coat that one. Abortion is forever. No redo's, a womb child is gone for good. This is not a post abortive forum, nor a compassion for baby killer forum. This is a pro-womb child forum. We have compassion a plenty for those being slaughtered in the womb. That is the focus. That is the issue. When the womb blood stops flowing, then we can talk about other things like compassion for those who murdered their own children. Right now, while the children are still being slaughter, compassion for their killers is a luxury that comes at way to high a price. It comes at the expence of tiny persons lives.

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There is always room for compassion, and only a hardened heart has to ration it.

The sin of abortion can be forgiven, and you will not go to hell for it.

Even faithman's sins of pride can be forgiven, and if they can be forgiven, anything can be.

You don't have to accept his self-appointed authority as to what this forum is about. There are some people here who could help you and who care about you, and who would have compassion for you. Compassion is not a "luxury" and it doesn't run out. The more one gives it, the more one has of it.

We are all guilty of the horror of abortion, even those of us who have never directly been a part of the process.

I am sorry for what you have been through and hope you can find the help and healing you need.


Edited: 07/31/2010 at 12:18 PM by B0zo

faithman - There was a very good chance.. that he could come after me and beat me until I miscarried.. There was also a good chance that he would hurt me and the baby.. I think that's what made me choose..

Perhaps that is why I chose that choice, but maybe, compassion will make the world better, and calling them baby killers is not the right way..

But I wonder.. if it is murder.. then why I am not in jail.. But I understand your views. I think this forum, or maybe, society in general should focus less on hate.. and more on love for life. And maybe a bit of - consideration, maybe understanding (?) for those in horrible situations.. to maybe help them.. so they don't have to go through that.. So much hate here is really quite heartbreaking.. as abortion is such a complicated, and delicate issue.

I do understand your views, though.. Thank you for sharing. (Again.. I'm sorry for my English..)

Edited: 07/31/2010 at 12:31 PM by Cmeadows

The forum owner has allowed this place to be a haven for the most degenerate and hateful prolifers, and doesn't mind that they drive the reasonable ones away.

Maybe you could ask him why.

I don't get it, myself.

But there are other more reasonable online forums that are not so hateful, I'm sure.

B0zo.. Thank you. I don't know if I can be forgiven. I often question if I am a murder, horrible person, selfish person. Sometimes, I feel like.. How do I word it.. Like I'm not worthy of being forgiven by God? I wanted to kill myself weeks ago, to be with my baby. Or to be in hell. Because I feel guilty living, when my child can't.. and never will.. It's a complicated situation. I'm in therapy now, after an attempt. But, I don't post that for pity, or compassion, just maybe another view on this topic - real life experience, and I'm using it in a selfish way.. as a confession of myself and my sins. But I understand where this forum is coming from, to an extent. Being called murder, baby-killer, questions my heart and soul.. I think so much hate.. It's not good for others.. I'm sorry for posting, though. I am at a strange point in my life right now.

Edited: 07/31/2010 at 12:33 PM by Cmeadows

SSSSOOOO just because some one else may or may not hurt your womb child, you kill it? The reason you are not in jail, is because our government does not recognize, what you instinctively know to be true. Your womb child was a person, and deserved your protection, not your betrail at an abortion clinic.

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If you believe in hell and in sin, then know that there is no sin so great that automatically damns you to hell. Any sin can be forgiven.

You are not a murderer in the sense that you maliciously sought to kill a child. You were under duress and confused.

You still did wrong, but you were also sinned against, and you were told by our law and our culture that abortion was an acceptable solution.

May I suggest you seek out a counselor at Project Rachel as a starting point? Maybe someone else here with more experience could help you.

You came to the right place if you felt guilty and wanted someone to beat you up, but that's not real help or a real solution. You can be healed and you can be forgiven. It's nobody's place to judge you and keep you down, and it's not your place either. Be humble and accept help and forgiveness.

[SSSSOOOO just because some one else may or may not hurt your womb child, you kill it? The reason you are not in jail, is because our government does not recognize, what you instinctively know to be true. Your womb child was a person, and deserved your protection, not your betrail at an abortion clinic.]

I know.. "deserved your protection".. I definitely know.. Nothing justifies my actions, I don't think.. I don't have the heart to point at the other girls there and pretend to know their feelings..So I just relate it to my own situation. Betrayal is definitely true.

@boz0.. I think.. I was tired of being told, "it's okay, it wasn't a person.." I stumbled across this forum.. and had a chance to talk with people who know it's a person. Maybe that's why? I will take your advice.

Edited: 07/31/2010 at 12:38 PM by Cmeadows

Only if you accept the pagan papist perversion according to the Vatican. There is no forgiveness outside citizen serfdom to a pointy hat youth Nazi in the Vatican city state. The clown convenianty left that part of his beliefs out.

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You need to first embrace your grief. That is how you honor the one you murdered. If you ignore, and stuff it, it will always haunt you. Healing can only come when you look at yourself honestly in the mirror, and own up to what you have done. True godly sorry is a must in repentance. It is only when you put excuses aside, and get gut honest, and own your actions, can they be then given over to the Lord for forgiveness.

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This makes a lot of sense. When I posted this thread, I apologize if my statements came off as excuses.. It was simply just the situation, and my feelings at the time.. But I know that they're not excuses, for the life I helped make that was lost.. It was definitely my fault, on all counts. I think.. for me to have an excuse.. would be laughable. Do I deserve to have it always haunt me, or to never be forgiven? I don't know.. I question this so much, it eats at me. Especially when someone like me, is being called murderer, baby-killer.. I just don't know. Sorry to bother all of you with this. I think maybe, I will share this information with my therapist.

Edited: 07/31/2010 at 12:52 PM by Cmeadows

Edited: 08/09/2010 at 09:43 PM by abbykb

you need to find a quiet place by yourself, get gut honest about your self, and call upon the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. All of us were born evil, and in us there was no good thing. you acted out of self preservation. Take self to the cross. Lay self at the feet of Christ, and call upon Him as Lord. That is why you must own your deeds. If you own them, you can give them away. No excuses, no situational self preservation ethics. Just a simple "Lord if you will have me I am yours. Then your grief will become a bitter sweet memorial to the loss of a child, but with the blessed hope of reuniting after this ride of life is over.

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Edited: 08/09/2010 at 09:43 PM by abbykb

Shut up killer, and go get a clue.

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I agree Abby. That was a great post.

It's almost as if a different person took possession of his computer and wrote it.

To bad papist doctrine is contradictory to it.

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Your statement as written can be interpreted to fit within Catholic doctrine.

It's a starting point that Catholics could agree with.

But the intent and compassion that seemed to be behind the words are what was most effective in that post. Did you write those words, or did a nice person sneak into your house and write them when you were away from your computer?

Your experience was a tragedy in every respect, but as has been pointed out, your decision can not be undone. Learn from it, and try to move on. Perhaps you might later find purpose in sharing your regrets with other women, trying to help them avoid the pain you are now experiencing.

I don't think this forum is the right place for you in your current state, and would recommend a good post abortion counselor. If you are a religious person, perhaps a respected member of the clergy. In reality, both you and your child were victims. There is nothing more that can be done for your child, but the same is not true of you. I care about the children, but that doesn't mean I don't care about you as well. I have a daughter your age, and my heart goes out to you in this difficult time. Please, remember that you are worthy of love regardless of any mistakes you may have made in the past. Go on from here. Seek the help you need, begin to heal, and learn from this experience.